Do you ever read those books from great spiritual teachers, people like Thich Nhat Hanh (super Buddhist dude) or Eckhart Tolle (Power of Now dude), and you think, “Wow, that’s really great advice: Right action. Be peace. Relax into the now.”
And then I usually think: easy for you to say, buddy. You’re a single guy who lives with a bunch of other monks.
I could be happy here!
You don’t have two kids who want you to play Legos with them while you’re trying to write a blog. Or to come wipe their butts when you’re trying to market a workshop. Or to cook, clean, run errands, drive them to swim lessons, walk the dog, make the snacks, fold the laundry…all while focusing on being a best-selling author and an appearing-on-Oprah’s-Super-Soul-Sunday life coach.
Those are just my struggles, though, and everyone reading this has their own: trying to be the best graphic designer you can be, but having clients who are buttheads (and that’s the nice word.) Or a boss with whom you disagree. Or a new baby. Or a house that burned down. Feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, pulled in ten directions, no time for ourselves and what’s truly important to us.
How to do it better, even in the midst of chaos?
Because no one reading this blog is a monk on a mountaintop in Tibet. (Though if you’re out there, would love to hear from you!) And when my clients come in, they are usually struggling with the same things: how to be a better person, even in the midst of the shit.
We are all searching for our best lives, and working towards that on a day to day basis. But our minds can use even that beautiful process of transformation and growth as yet another thing to beat ourselves up with: if we know that there are better ways, and yet we still fall back into our old patterns of frustration, anger, and sadness, then we’ve failed, right?
The Buddhists have a story about a man who keeps going around a mountain, trying to reach the top. And as he walks, even though he is going higher and higher up the mountainside, he still sees the same views.
We still keep going up the mountainside, seeing those same views – our same patterns and struggles that haven’t quite disappeared yet, and feeling as if we haven’t made it anywhere yet. So here’s why this blog is honest:
personal change is damn hard work.
Now, you might be thinking, well, Erin, that’s depressing. What about things like “5 Steps to Happiness” or “10 Things Happy People Do Differently”. Can’t we snap our fingers and have our best lives right now? (Yes, yes, I’ve written some of those, and will continue to write them – they’re good for Google! And they’re fun!). But sometimes, I see those blog titles come across in my inbox from other amazing coaches, and I can only think: yeah, whatever.
Because searching for happiness is too hard sometimes. Right? If it was easy, then we’d all be fulfilled in our careers, serene and happy, living with unicorns and rainbows all day, every day.
But on those days that it seems hard, that’s when we really need to sink in and do more of the deep work of becoming a better person. Because our true spiritual work (and seeking happiness and authenticity is spiritual work) isn’t on a mountaintop. The work of happiness isn’t out there – it’s right here, in the midst of the chaos of our lives. It isn’t in the quiet of a sunset; it’s in the craziness of this crappy moment. It’s in being kind and courageous with others around us, even when we want to throw our own mini-tantrum or cower under the blankets.
Letting go of guilt:
And when you do mess up (and you will – we all do. Except maybe Eckhart Tolle.), when you fall down and yell at your kids, or ignore your spouse, or get angry with other drivers, then you know that that, too, is part of the process, and there’s no need to feel guilty. You can acknowledge it, see the emotion for what it is, and then release that guilt, even if your last fall was five minutes ago. This isn’t Catholic school; we don’t need to carry that with us until we’re absolved by someone else.
We also can understand that truly mastering ourselves (being happy, authentic, and kind to ourselves and others) is the work of a lifetime. If we had it all down, then we’d already be an enlightened being. A Buddha. A Christ.(And I think that even those enlightened people would never claim to be “perfect” – a dangerous word for all of us!)
So if you missed it, if you forgot yourself and forgot to pause, don’t worry that you won’t get another chance to make it right. Apologize for your wrongs (even to your kids), and then move on. The universe will always give us another chance to do things differently.
How badly do you want things to be different?
Having your best life ever takes commitment. It takes recognizing where you fell down, and seeing how you could do better next time. It takes new techniques, new tools, great mentors, coaches, supportive friends, and books.
But most of all, if you truly want to change, you will have to make a daily dedication to doing things differently, both in the moment and during a daily process of meditation, visioning, prayer, or gratitude (yeah, sorry – can’t see a way around that, from research and personal experience,) And this is where coaches can help – prompting the right questions, helping to break up old patterns, moving you past the guilt, and ultimately, holding you accountable to your own purpose.
So here’s to you, my dear readers, for your struggles, your concerns, and your commitment to yourselves. Look forward to seeing you as we go higher and higher around the mountain!
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