Think back on a recent negative interaction you had with someone. This will work even better if you still have an emotional charge around that interaction (it’s still getting under your skin). What did that person do that so affected you? And how did you resolve it?
Most of us choose to blame the other person for our reaction. “If she hadn’t done X, then I wouldn’t have gotten so pissed off.” Or, “if he would just see that I’m doing all of the work here” or “why do they always have to dump out all of the Legos, after I just cleaned them up?” We might even think things like “if there weren’t people like Trump out there, making us look bad, then the world would be a better place.”
In all of these cases, I’m blaming the other person for my reaction. I’m asking them to change in order for me to be better. And though I know I’ve written about this before in my blogs, and I generally practice what I preach, stuff still comes up for me, day after day. Because I don’t live in a bubble, and I suspect you don’t, either.
In fact, each day we’re confronted with new issues with which we must contend, new ways that our higher selves are saying: “hey, look at this! Time to bring this to your attention! Time to change your way of reacting!”
It’s always your work to do.
Because it’s always about you. No matter what the other person said or did, the lesson, the take-home, and the work are always there for you. For instance, I just had a recent opportunity present itself with a dear friend. I was blaming her for everything that had gone wrong in our interactions, asking myself why she didn’t understand my point of view, why she hadn’t done things differently, why, why, why…
why?
But maybe you’re reading this and thinking that you don’t do this; you don’t blame the other person for your behavior? Well, our egos can be very, very deceiving; they create all sorts of ways for us to make the other person wrong. Here are some creative ways we blame others:
- Blaming (of course)
- Repeating the story of what happened (they did this, she did this, he did this)
- Denying (I didn’t say that or do that)
- Giving excuses (I was really tired/stressed out/needing help/sick of his crap)
- Reasoning (yeah, but, if they hadn’t done this, then I wouldn’t have…)
- Questioning (Why would someone…? Why would someone do this to me, specifically? Why don’t they know better? Don’t they know you should do x?)
For me, all of those questions and reasons and excuses were really just covering up the fact that I wanted my friend to change. I wanted her to be different in order for us to get along. If she wants to be my friend, then she needs to think more like I do.
What I eventually realized was that I don’t really need for her to change in order for me to be a better person. No, it’s up to me to shift my perspective and allow for her to be just who she is – a wonderful and amazing person.
But what if it is about them?
What if you really do have a horrible boss? Or an evil client? Or a yelling child? Or a boyfriend who isn’t so great? What if the problem really is with the other person? What if someone is abusive to you? Does that still mean that it’s your work to do? Do we just let the person get away with their horrible behavior?
The answer is: no, we don’t let anyone get away with abusive behavior. But the work is still there for you. You are the one who must make the hard choices and decide whether you stay in that relationship. You get to be the one that determines how you interact with your horrible boss. You get to choose how you react to that person. Maybe that means that you walk away, or that you take another job, or get out of the relationship, or take your child to the park.
But all of those are still choices that you get to make for yourself without expecting the other person to change. They get to be just who they are, while you work on you and your reactions to them.
The universe is always giving us another opportunity:
Of course, it’s always great if we can catch ourselves going askew right in the actual moment, before it devolves into a three page emailing shooting spree (Side note: maybe email isn’t the way to handle intense emotional issues…). It’s great if we can pause, take a moment before we respond, and then speak from a place of kindness instead of needing-to-be-right-ness.
But if you don’t catch it right then, then that’s okay, too. Because the universe is most definitely going to give us another chance. And another, and another. And each time we do catch it, even if it’s hours later, then we get the opportunity to see how we could have done it differently. We pat ourselves on the back for catching it, and move on without any shame or guilt.
Once you start doing this, you’ll begin to realize how powerful it is that no one around you needs to change.
Even if that person is Trump.
You must be logged in to post a comment.