Most of us want someone around us to change, even in just some small way. I would like for my children to occasionally say “thanks for cooking dinner, Mom,” and for my husband to cut back on the late night snacking (for his own health, of course). But never, not ever, in the history of the world have we been able to get someone else to truly change their behaviors simply by telling them what they ought to do.
Because as we’ve all experienced personally, when you push against someone, their first instinct is to push back. And whether that’s with our children, our spouses, a difficult colleague, or that person who always pushes your buttons, telling them how they should change, or even better, simply expecting that they should “just know better”, isn’t going to get us what we want. Sure, we may be able to guilt, threaten, or coerce someone (especially our kids) into certain behaviors, but true change, the change that means that they will do it even when we aren’t around, has to come from the self.
So what does that mean? Should we give up on our efforts to change others?
In a word, yes. Because the only person whose behavior we can ever truly change is our own. And if we want others to be kinder, to speak of thankfulness, or to be healthier, then the only way we can allow for that is to model that behavior ourselves.
It’s been a tough lesson for me to internalize. Most of the time, it’s easier for me to understand that message in my mind, but then it’s so easy to say, “Yes, but, if my kids would just realize that I’m stressed out right now and can’t take any more of their whining…” then things would be all right. Then I’d be happy. Then I’d be able to be the perfect mom of my imagination. If their behavior changed, then I could be the person that I was meant to be.
But the truth is, and this is so hard to really accept, I cannot ask my kids (or husband, or anyone) to change for me. I have to be the one whose behavior improves, even in that moment when shit has fallen apart and I’m ready to collapse. In that moment, if I can hold myself up to a higher level, if I can catch the angry words directed at those two little precious souls before they leave my mouth, that’s when the true change happens.
My behavior is the only thing that has to change. Ever. Period.
Would love to hear if you’ve been successful in getting others to change, or how you’ve worked at changing your own behaviors!
