The Dark Darkness

Ever had one of those days? Those days where nothing goes right, and you feel as if you’re swimming through a dark fog? You feel overwhelmed, over-committed, and dealing with just that one more thing can put you over the edge. *

The Doom Spiral:

Usually the bad day is more than just a bad day, though. Usually, we start to also go down into a little doom spiral in our minds. We think about not just whatever is currently wrong, but all of our past mistakes, all of the things that tell us that we’re a failure, or a loser, or not good enough as a parent/spouse/ and ____ (fill in the blank with your current occupation.)

As a writer and coach, I regularly counteract these messages from my brain in order to be in a creative and receptive frame of mind. But sometimes, when the dark darkness hits, I can still send myself down into that line of thinking. My own story goes something like this: “My books suck. No one will ever read them.” And then this turns into a recounting of all of my previous failures, the shameful things from my past, and it ends with, “You’re kind of a fraud, Erin. How can you help others if you’re thinking like this?”

So here’s what I do when I’m in the heart of darkness:

Cultivate Awareness. Ah, there’s our old friend awareness again! Just being aware that I’m having certain thoughts and that they are only in my mind can be incredibly helpful. Most of the time, we don’t even realize that we are even thinking certain things; we just know that we’re upset or unhappy without hearing the actual words beneath the emotion. And then, once we do hear the thoughts, we still believe that they’re true and pretend that they are reality, even if they are telling us awful things, even things like “I am a horrible person.” But our thoughts are not actually reality. (more on this in a moment)
Reach out. This is a very hard step for most of us to take while we’re having a bad day, especially if we like for others to see us as strong and independent (cough, cough). But speaking about what’s wrong with a supportive friend is so magical – it’s like we can start to see and hear our own story, and this dispels some of our attachment to it. On a recent bad day, I told my story to a friend and she listened and was just simply there for me. Having her acknowledge me and the crazy thoughts was so beautiful and healing. And most people really do want to help others in this way. Some people call on God, the Great Spirit, or the Universe for help here, too, and this can be be just as powerful.
Get outside. This one is hard to do, especially when we’re feeling overwhelmed, but getting out in the fresh air (even in winter!) is truly magical for your mood. If you can, take a walk.
Let go of responsibility on these days. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, this can be especially hard, but most things in life can be moved, delayed, or cancelled. It’s okay to tell others that you’re not feeling well and to ask for an extension of a deadline. It’s okay to miss that playdate or doctor’s appointment. It’s okay to ask for help from others. It’s okay to order from Zifty instead of cooking that meal. It’s okay to put your kids in front of the television for an hour. (Really.)
Find a small bit of gratitude for something. Anything. This can be something like “I have a working and functional car” (one of my personal favorites, for some reason) or “The sun peaked out of the clouds” or “The kids are quiet” or “I’ve finished half of the project already.” I personally find that being grateful for something small is easier to manage than to be grateful for the larger things, since things like “I have such an amazing life” usually lead me to the thought of “You should be grateful to have such an amazing life!” (and that just really doesn’t help…) Concentrate for a moment or two on just that small thing.
Keep an awesomeness list. Once you are back to your normal “you”, take some time to write down a list of everything amazing about you, accolades you’ve won, things your friends and family have told you in the past, anything that really reminds you how of how amazing you are. You can then look over the list during the next day of the dark darkness, and this in turn creates your new reality, one in which you are totally awesome. (which you are, of course.)

Back to Awesomeness!

These are my own tricks, and I hope they might help you. If I’ve done all of these things (or even just a couple), I can usually bring myself back into alignment again. And of course, when all else fails, taking a warm bath and going to bed early always helps!

*I’m writing here only about occasional down days, and not depression.