Have you been seeking external validation for your dreams?
We are social beings, and as we grew into adulthood, we looked to others to show us how to behave and act. We looked for approval and recognition for just about everything that we did, even if we didn’t think that’s what we were doing.
But that need for external validation can sometimes blind us to our own awesomeness. And that fear that someone else will tell us that we can’t do something can dissuade us from our dreams.
Recently, I had a client who came in to talk about becoming an entrepreneur. She already knew what she wanted to do, but she was seeking permission to do it.
But the truth is: I can’t give her that. No one can give her that. And even if she sits down with twenty advisors, and they all tell her that she is completely qualified to pursue the path that she wants to pursue (and she is)…even then, the person that has to give her permission to follow her dreams is her.
Most of us probably share that need to have others validate our dreams. I just spent a weekend at a romance writers conference pitching my latest novel to agents and publishers, and hearing, as I’ve heard before, that my stories sound amazing…but they can’t find an audience for them. (Surprisingly, romances set in 13th century Mongolia, Paleolithic Turkey, or 20 A.D. Germania are not usually on the best-seller lists.)
I had invited in their input. I had looked to them to tell me that I had something of worth.
But who are they to tell me whether my stories are worthwhile? They hadn’t even read them. But I wanted so much to have that badge, that symbol of authenticity for a writer, a book published by the big publishers, that I had been allowing others tell me what my books are and how I should write them. Fantasy…no, women’s fiction….no, historical fiction with romance elements. And I didn’t care, as long as they took them and made them into real books.
Oh, that old fear again? I thought that I had worked through this. I thought that I had figured out what types of books I wanted to write and that no one could tell me whether my writing was good or not – especially if they hadn’t even read them!
Does someone else need to tell you that you’re worthy?
But like some sort of spiritual whackamole, that old “I need someone else to tell me that I’m worthy” thing always pops back up again.
And like the arcade game, each little mole head looks slightly different. For me, it could be someone who questions my certifications, or asks about my background or my writing, and that little fear might rear its ugly head and try to tell me that I don’t have what it takes. But we all have our own versions of these fears.
So how do you get rid of those little voices? How do you pull the plug on that whackamole game for good?
You don’t. At least, I don’t know of anyone who has completely done it. We all seek that external validation, to varying degrees.
But you can use some techniques that allow you to see those moles for what they truly are, and then when they do come up, your reaction time in whacking them down again is faster and faster. Gotcha, mole.
How to let go of that need for external validation:
1. Be willing to look deeply into where those moles are coming from
Where did you first hear that you weren’t good enough to do something? Where did you first learn that other people’s opinions of your work mattered? When was the first time that someone expressed an opnion of your art, your writing, your singing, whatever used to make hour heart sing…and it crushed your spirit? What were the messages that you grew up with that told you that you couldn’t do something?
Most of the time, we learned these things in our childhood. (Side note: check out some of the great research being done on ways to praise kids that don’t increase that need for validation.)
I’m a big fan of writing down these thoughts – then you can actually see them for what they are and where they came from. And then, you can refute them. For every thought like “I don’t have enough experience in this field so therefore people won’t take me seriously”, there is an opposing reality that is just as true: “Plenty of people break into consulting without direct experience in that industry. They do it by doing the same things I am already doing – exploring, researching, networking, going to related conferences, and talking to people in the industry.”
2. Define your version of success
It’s a whole lot easier to not listen to others when you are very clear on what you want, and what you want might not look like anyone else’s version of success. For instance, my version of success as a writer is that many people will have access to my books and are moved and interested in learning more about these unique cultures and time periods. (And oh, yes, it would be awesome if that meant some JK Rowling-like money for a private jet, too.)
3. Accept that getting rid of the moles is a process, not an end destination.
Working through fears is some of the hardest work there is, and though it gets easier to see the fears and thoughts that pop up for what they are – just thoughts in your mind and not actual reality – it doesn’t mean that you will get to some point where the thoughts never pop up again.
Because each time you reach that new level on your path, there will be another chance for those fears and that need for external validation to pop up again. But this time, you’ll have already seen those needs for what they are, and it will get easier and easier to smack them back down again.
How do you conquer your fears? Are you waiting for anyone’s permission? Let us know in the comments or continue the conversation on Facebook!
