Feeling Over-extended?

What’s on your plate?

I’ve been thinking lately about my list of obligations. Yesterday was a particularly trying day for me. It went something like this:

6:00 am meditate

6:30 work out while hubby packs lunches

7:30 take oldest to school (obligation)

8:30 take youngest to school (obligation)

9:00 work on freelance client’s stuff (obligation)

10:15 buy fruit for end of year ceremony for youngest (obligation)

10:30 attend end of year ceremony (obligation)

11:45 clean up kitchen from breakfast (obligation)

12:30 play with youngest child (sometimes feels like an obligation)

2:30 pick up oldest (obligation)

2:45 chat with client

4:30 take oldest to swim practice (obligation)

5:15 hurry home and make dinner (obligation)

6:00 chat with friend

7:15 finish up freelance client work (obligation)

 

I’m over it!

I’m pretty sure that all of your lives are just as packed with obligations and duties, things that you have decided that you just must get done that day. And yesterday, I was kind of over it. Kind of over giving my life over to other people’s decisions of what I should do be doing.

But those obligations are really hard to let go of. I had told my freelance client that I would have the finished product to him yesterday, so gosh darn it, I was going to do it. My kid’s school was having a ceremony, and gosh darn it, I was going to be there. (Even if I didn’t actually want to be there.)

Just who would I be without those obligations?

When I really started to dig below the surface of all of these obligations (with a little help from Coach Carolyn Jones),  I realized that my frustration wasn’t actually around the thing itself. It was what I call the little “wah wah wah” voice in my head , and it was whispering things like, “You have to go to this, otherwise people will think you’re a bad mom.” And, “you have to finish this today, otherwise your client will think you’re a flake. And then he won’t pay you. Or recommend you to others.”

Most of you are probably nodding your heads right about now in agreement with my little voice. Don’t we have to finish what we started? Don’t we have to work hard if we want to get ahead? Don’t we have to honor what we said we would do, on time? Don’t we need to show our support for our children?

But what if we didn’t?

What if we could get more happiness out of life by letting go of some of these responsibilities?

Happiness as an iceberg:

Picture, if you will, an iceberg of happiness. At the top, sticking out of the water, we have all of the behavioral modifications that we can do, things like pausing before we speak, thought stopping, keeping a gratitude journal, meditating, or any other process that we use to keep us moving towards happiness. (And these are all amazing and wonderful and important!)

But then, beneath that tip of the iceberg, buried beneath the icy waters, are all of the beliefs that we learned as children, and these beliefs are the reasons that we keep attaching to our obligations and our roles.

Will you still love me if I’m a flake?

It’s hard to dig down and find those deeper beliefs, though, because they are so much a part of us (and our society). It’s like the matrix; we don’t even know they’re there. We learned them as children, believing that if we didn’t do all of the things that our parents asked of us (succeed in school, honor our commitments, work really hard), then we wouldn’t be loved or valued by our parents.

Many of you are probably scoffing at this right now, especially all of you lovely Type A’ers out there (myself included). You’re saying, but what about taking personal responsibility? What about following through? What about teaching people that we have to do what we said we would?

And to all of those questions, I would say the same thing: these are all just part of the roles that we have assigned to ourselves. Who you really are, beneath all of that, is someone that doesn’t need to fulfill obligations in order to be loved. Doesn’t need to hit all of the marks, get all of the gold stars, bring home the bacon, make your mark on the world, succeed, succeed, succeed, in order to be loved and appreciated.

Your parents no longer (if they ever did) get to determine what it takes for you to be happy.

Because you, the essential you, is infinite, divine, and part of something that doesn’t measure success by the number of trophies on the wall or the cars in the driveway. That infinite you only has one goal in life, and that is to be happy and experience life in all of its fullness and richness. (Your parents probably want that for you, too!)

Who Decides?

I’m editing a book by the amazing Laina Orlando, and in it, she talks about a crucial statement that she learned in her journey. The statement is: I decide.

Can you say that out loud and mean it?

This statement is so powerful, because every time we take on an obligation that we don’t want to be doing but are doing for others, then we are letting others decide. We are letting the beliefs that we learned as children dictate our days. And we are also letting our ideas about what society has told us we “should” be doing determine our lives. It’s the matrix!

So does that mean that we stop attending ballet recitals and children’s birthday parties or going to our jobs, just because they’re not always fun for us? Of course not. (And of course, we can change our thinking patterns around all of these, too, which is also super helpful.)

But start to look at those beliefs that tie you to these things. Start to challenge what it means to be a mom, or a successful ____, or a spouse, or an entrepreneur. See where you have landed in the world of obligations.

Once you find those beliefs, then, what?

Well, then you turn them around.  Like this. (Borrowed from a family member!)

“You (I) have to work really hard to get ahead.”

Turned around?

Cool, right? (Here’s where a coach can really be valuable, especially for anyone who doesn’t have time to do this work on their own!)

What can you stop doing today?

And while you’re looking at those beliefs, you can also utilize a “tip of the iceberg” tool that landed In my inbox today. (Beautiful synchronicity!)  Coach Kate Courageous calls this the “Stop Doing List” : and, just like the name says, you make a  list of things that you can stop doing this week. You don’t have to stop doing them forever, but just stop them for a week and see how that feels.  (Her post is specifically related to business, but it’s totally useful for all of us!)

What opens up for you? What obligations would you like to release? Would love to hear about it in the comments!