Most people reading this blog know the Erin of Today, the life coach, writer, and mother. But most of you don’t know unhappy Erin, the Erin who struggled with low-level depression, car accidents, and low self-esteem. (Evidently she also talks about herself in the third person.)
I certainly wasn’t boring, but I was a total mess. Too much partying disguised as “fun”, too much of the wrong guy, and not enough self-compassion for any of it.
But one day, I woke up. I broke up with a guy that I absolutely loved but who I knew was going to take me further down the path of all that was wrong with my life, and I told myself that I was going to do things that were good for me, even if no one else wanted to do them with me.
I signed up for a five mile road race even though I’d never actually run five miles. On that race, I met my husband. Meeting him was further confirmation to me that I no longer wanted to live the life I had been leading, and that our relationship was more important than the drinking, the drugs, and the constant partying. And making that decision to no longer live how I had been wasn’t simple, or easy, but it led me down the path of real meaning and fulfillment in my life.
Of course, this sounds all very simple as you read this blog. But what the “happily ever after” to a story like this disguises is the hard work that it took to get rid of the largest demons in my head. The hard work that I still do – on a daily and sometimes hourly basis – to talk back to the voices that want to feed me doubts and concerns.
Changing Your Thoughts:
And what’s most important about my path, what I teach clients about and want to shout from the rooftops, is that it is hard work to change the thoughts in your head. And not to simplify the psychology of personal change (but I’m about to), changing those thoughts really changes everything in your life. Kids driving you crazy? Change your thoughts. Having a bad day? Change your thoughts. Want to lose five pounds? Change your thoughts.
So how do you do it? How do you really change your thoughts, and thereby your life?
Compassion: Without compassion for yourself and others, it’s hard to actually change anything. Here are a few ways that I find compassion: writing down things that I’ve done that are kind to others, holding back on judgmental speech when speaking, translating into someone else’s highest good, and by listening to the other person instead of immediately giving my opinion. There are many ways to practice compassion, so find some that speak to you.Try to find those things that can become a regular practice to be nurtured and tended to, not just given lip service.
Acceptance: practice acceptance of where you are and what you’re feeling. Just saying aloud to myself “Yes, I’m angry right now,” helps me to really feel that anger and to see where it’s coming from. The other half of acceptance is about accepting where you are right now in your life, and realizing that everyone starts from somewhere. From here, you can only go up!
Discipline: Discipline is a nasty word in our language. But I want you to think about it instead as practice – each time you are able to recognize a thought and let it go, it strengthens you. Each time you are able to be compassionate instead of angry, it makes it a little bit easier the next time around.
Discipline is also about understanding that there are no shortcuts. There is no experience out there that’s going to change your life for you – no retreat, Ayahuasca ceremony, or week-long fast that will bring about some magical and different version of you. Those might all be cool things to do, and you might get great insights into what does need to be changed, but then you still have to come back to your daily life and do the work. And that means every day, and sometimes even every hour.
And if all of this sounds a little depressing – who wants to do hard work, right?– I can only say that once you begin to do the work it really starts to free you, because you realize that you can change the things you want to change with just simple perseverance and intention. You don’t have to wait for someone else to bestow some magical sort of power or potion on you – you can do it all yourself!
And if you’re struggling with how to start, reach out and let me know. That’s the work that i do with my clients – putting a plan in place to get you off the ground and running towards your best and most vibrant life!
