I often find myself thinking that I’ve already screwed up my kids’ lives. That because of all that I’ve already inflicted upon them (all of the “what are you doing?!, how many times have I told you, really?!” comments) that occasionally escape my lips, that I have already ruined them, and they are already destined for many hours in the therapist’s chair.
But if I could have done better in that moment, if I could have kept the frustration at the umpteenth-spilling-of-water or the Legos-strewn-all-over-the-floor or the inability-to-find-shoes-when-we’re-already-running-late to myself, then I would have.
What I’ve learned is that we have to look at where we are right now, in this lifetime. My chance at self-improvement can’t happen in the past, and I can only meet myself right here, where I am. I’m not already the Dalai Lama, so I can’t expect to already embody his calm strength in the face of tantrums, whining, and work deadlines.
And for me, that means letting go of the guilt over my past mistakes. Coming from where I am means not holding on to my feelings of blame at myself for the things that I have already done. Really accepting this current moment as the only chance I have to change for the better. I know that I have a chance now to improve the rest of their little lives, and that is a gift for which I owe gratitude.
Because as a great friend once said, the universe doesn’t care about the past. Only this current moment matters to the universe/God/Spirit.
So for now, I’m practicing being right here, right now, and offering up my change in the present. (And now I excuse me while I go pick up some Legos…)
