You should really read this.
Most of us have opinions on things, especially with regards to other people. Usually these show up as “should’s” in our minds, a little narrative of what others should be doing. These could be things like, “she should have written me a thank-you card” (even though I regularly forget to write mine) or “they shouldn’t let their kids stay up so late” (even if it seems to be working out just fine for their family). And we extend our opinions of other people’s lives into deeper personal decisions, too, like how they should be handling their depression or grief.
In the U.S., we’ve been told to express our opinions at all times. We believe that it’s important for us to have feelings and to let these feelings be known to others. Otherwise, how will they know not to offend us in the future?
But is it really necessary to tell our opinions and feelings to others? As anyone who knows my reading habits knows, I’m super interested in all things Native American, indigenous peoples, and tribal cultures. And I’ve done a lot of reading and research about a really fascinating mindset that many tribal cultures seem to propagate (intentionally or not): your opinions, and even your feelings of anger or frustration, are not necessary to share.
If you lived in the Arctic Circle, you wouldn’t get mad at your in-laws:
It can be downright dangerous within close-knit tribal communities to give vent to anger, frustration, and drama. If your family band loses half of its members, you may not survive the harsh winter without their half of the food supply. If you tell off your sister-in-law in the desert, you might not have access to her watering hole. So while you might still feel frustration and anger, you learn how to transmute these feelings and to dig deep into a reservoir of compassion and kindness, rather than giving vent to the harsher side of your emotions.
And I think we can learn a lot from that way of thinking. At the very least, it shows us that it’s not our birthright to express anger and frustration to others – there are alternative ways of living and thinking that might possibly be more beneficial for our well-being and the well-being of others.
The work is yours, not theirs:
I once heard a spiritual teacher say that each time he felt the need to share something with someone as to what they should be doing in their lives, instead of speaking this, he would take back that note for himself and work on it. If he thought that the other person needed compassion, then he’d work on cultivating compassion. If he thought they needed to be more joyful, he’d work on finding joy. You get the point.
But Erin, you might ask, if we don’t speak up, how will we let others know when they’ve done something wrong? Isn’t it important to make sure that they know that they’ve screwed up, or that they’ve hurt us or angered us? Aren’t I entitled to expressing that? And haven’t I been working very hard in my life to actually say what I mean and express my buried and repressed feelings?
It’s not the “what”, but the “how”:
My answer to these questions would be to examine your intention behind any interaction. Like many things in life, it isn’t necessarily what we say, but how. How are you expressing yourself to the other person? Yes, for sure, it’s important to acknowledge your own feelings and not to bury them, but do you need to acknowledge them to someone else, potentially blaming them for causing your emotional state?
Ask yourself what you’re bringing with you to the table when you choose to confront someone. Are you doing it out of a need to be right (and I am sooooo guilty of this)? Are you trying to justify your own behavior? Are you doing it because you want to teach the other person something (again – a need to be right)? Are you blaming the other person for their behavior? And especially important, are you choosing to have this conversation in a moment of anger?
Again, it’s about the how. Am I genuinely concerned or interested in their health and well-being? And even then, am I coming from a place of truest compassion, or just being what the Germans call a “Besser-Wisser” – a Better-Knower?
Do I need their behavior to change in order to be happy?
Even if someone has hurt my feelings or made me angry or done something to frustrate me, how does telling them that resolve the situation? Am I asking them to change? Do I want their behavior to change in order for me to feel good about myself? Am I asking for the world to be perfect in order for my mental state to be perfect?
I struggle very often with a need to be right and to prompt others to see the errors (cough) of their ways. But how do I know what’s right? Or right for them? Or even where they are on their own unique path? Maybe they need to go through this experience in order to come out the other side with some sort of lesson that I’m unaware of. Or even if there is no answer, how does it help our relationship for me to say something?
Is there no room for a heated discussion in the world?
Of course, this doesn’t mean shutting off any interactions or differences of opinions with others. If someone asks a genuine question, for instance, “what time do your kids go to bed, Erin? How does that work for you all?” and is genuinely interested in my response, then we can have a wonderful and beautiful discussion about child-raising theories. But if they haven’t asked me, and aren’t interested in a discussion, then why should I offer my contrarian opinion about their children’s bedtime? Then it’s probably time for me to steer the conversation around to the weather. Looks like it’s going to be a hot one!
[This blog was written from a place of truest compassion, and not out of a need to be right. I think.]
Let me know if you also feel the need to be right when you express something. How are you able to manage it?
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